


a heartbeat away

by beautifullytrxgic



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Blood and Injury, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, Injury, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi-centric, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mentions of Death, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, heart-related illnesses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:03:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27655207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautifullytrxgic/pseuds/beautifullytrxgic
Summary: When an accident leaves Soonyoung at the brink of death, everyone is left to pick up the broken pieces of their lives.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Everyone, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 27
Kudos: 81





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i feel like there's not much soonyoung-centric fics (or maybe i'm just not looking enough) so i came up with this idea and wrote it. i hope it's okay :D 
> 
> also, just a heads up that updates might be a bit slow since i have classes and my motivation to write is not really consistent...
> 
> TW // blood

It happened right when no one was expecting it. But then again, amidst the bright lights and joyous screams of the crowd, who would've known it would happen? One second, they were in a state of excitement and adrenaline, and then in the blink of an eye, everything was crashing right before their very own eyes. 

As the lights above the stage gave out and fell, Soonyoung saw how everything changed. In just a matter of seconds, the cheering turned into cries of fear and the once euphoric atmosphere within the place morphed into one of shock. Everyone in the venue was reduced into a state of panic and terror as they watched the thirteen idols helplessly. 

Soonyoung saw, from the corner of his eye, a couple of staff members trying to get their way onto the stage to attempt to get them away from danger, but he knew that it would've already been too late. 

He didn't even think twice. He pushed his members away as quickly as he could as the broken lights completely crashed down onto him. His mind didn't even register the pain, because the moment it fell on him, darkness consumed his vision as he vaguely heard the faint shouts of someone calling his name. 

...

Jeonghan stared in horror at the sight in front of him as his heart pounded out of his chest with immense worry and fear. It felt like time had stopped. Wasn't it that just a second ago, they were performing? How did it all come to this? Everything was happening way too quickly. Jeonghan could barely hear the panicked shouts of everyone around, all he knew was that he needed to get to where Soonyoung was, to see if he was all right. He got up shakily, only to be stopped by a hand grabbing his. When he turned around, Seungcheol's pleading eyes met him. 

"Hyung, let me go." 

But Seungcheol only shook his head, still holding onto Jeonghan. Tears had started to form in the older's eyes. "Don't. You're gonna get hurt, too." 

Jeonghan was getting annoyed. Why couldn't he understand? Why couldn't Seungcheol understand that he just wanted to check on Soonyoung? He tried to get away from the elder's grasp, but Seungcheol only held on tighter. "Hyung, let go-!" He cries out, voice breaking. He didn't care that his mic was still on, didn't care at all that everyone in the venue probably heard everything he was saying. He didn't care about any of that at all. He just needed to get to Soonyoung, was that too much to ask for? 

Before he even knew what was happening, Seungcheol had managed to pull him down onto the stage, hugging him from behind. "You might get hurt, too. Please..." he heard the utter fear and desperation in the elder's voice, could feel how his voice shook with every word that left his mouth. Upon hearing the other speak, Jeonghan was reduced to a crying mess, watching helplessly and ppraying with all his heart for some sort of miracle that Soonyoung would be okay. 

...

The ride to the hospital was completely silent. Following the events of what occurred just minutes ago, everyone couldn't really find the words to say, and though they tried to comfort each other every now and then, it was all just uncertain reassurances that even they didn't quite believe. Jeonghan tried to think positively as much as could, tried to reason with himself that Soonyoung would be all right, but every time he closes his eyes, the image of the younger's limp form on that stage would flash right before his eyes. They had left the venue about fifteen minutes ago, but he can still feel Soonyoung's hand on him as had pushed him and the others away, can still see and smell the blood staining the floor, can still hear everyone's panicked screaming echoing within the stadium. It was all embedded in his head, rooted into every part of his brain that made it impossible to get away from. 

"It's all right, hyung." Chan, who was sitting beside him, took Jeonghan's hand and smiled through tear-stained cheeks. "Soonyoung-hyung will be okay." 

Jeonghan only nodded, even though he could see through the younger's eyes that even he wasn't sure about what he said. "Yeah...yeah, he will be." But it was like there was a hole in his words - it felt empty as though he was telling a lie. Well, it wasn't really a lie, but it wasn't exactly the truth either. They had all seen how the lights completely crashed onto Soonyoung, they remembered the amount of blood that quickly spread onto the stage immediately after. Maybe he would be fine soon, but for sure he wouldn't get out of that without an injury. They all just hoped that it wouldn't be lethal. 

"Why did this have to happen...?" Chan wondered aloud, leaning his head onto Jeonghan's shoulder. His voice trailed off as he stared out the car window. 

And Jeonghan asks himself, too: why did this have to happen to them? Why did this have to happen to Soonyoung? He silently cursed the world for letting something like this happen to someone as loving and precious as Soonyoung. It wasn't fair. Today was supposed to be spent performing, not them going to the hospital. Today was meant to be a good day...why did it suddenly turn into this? 

"I don't know either, Chan, I don't know too..." he says quietly, tears brimming at the corner of his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's it for chapter 1!! thank you for reading :D


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did a bit of research about heart illnesses before writing this chapter, but then again i'm no expert when it comes to this topic so just a disclaimer that there still might be a bit of medical inaccuracies. 
> 
> TW // mentions of death

When they arrived at the hospital after what seemed like hours, all eyes immediately turned to them. It wasn't necessarily that Jeonghan minded it - he was used to this, after all - but today, he'd rather not get any attention at all. Today, he just wanted to be with Soonyoung and know if he was doing all right. Thankfully, however, they managed to get to the waiting room without causing any commotion. And when the silence of the room greeted them, Jeonghan sucked in a deep breath, the events of earlier finally hitting him. It was like a slap to the face, a wake-up call to reality. People do say that truth hurts, don't they? He shook his head lightly, trying to get away from his thoughts, but the memories continued to replay in his mind even through closed eyes like a broken record.  
  
 _"Guys, watch out!"  
  
"No, Soonyoung-!"_  
  
A hand on his shoulder brought him back to reality. Jeonghan turned around, suddenly finding himself face-to-face with Jihoon. "Come on, let's sit." He simply says, pointing to the chairs across them before walking away, Jeonghan silently trailing behind him.  
  
He sat down and stared at the floor, a million thoughts running through his head. Ironic, isn't it? How at the most silent places will your thoughts be the loudest. Honestly, he'd rather be outside right now where most of the people were at, because that way, even if it does get a bit uncomfortable, at least he won't be able to hear his thoughts, won't be able to hear those whispers at the back of his head telling him of his worst nightmares.  
  
He looked around him, noticing how everyone wore a tired expression on their faces. Nothing surprising, really, after what happened, but there was something more to it - Jeonghan could clearly see it in their eyes: guilt. He'd be lying if he said he didn't feel that way too. Well, how could they not? Soonyoung had been the one to push them away from the lights, after all, successfully keeping them all away from danger at the cost of his own well-being. Jeonghan clenched his hand, his nails digging into the flesh as he gritted his teeth in anger. If they had been a little farther away, would Soonyoung not have needed to get them out of the way and instead save himself? Or if they had reacted just a second earlier, would one of them had been able to get him away and save him?

Jeonghan knew better than to blame himself because, well, it was an accident, wasn’t it? None of them knew that was going to happen, but still, he couldn’t help the twinge of regret snaking its way to his heart that maybe, _just maybe_ , he could’ve prevented this from happening to Soonyoung.

Footsteps coming closer to him made him look up, and he sees that it was Wonwoo in front of him. The younger offered a small smile before sitting down next to him. “Are you all right?” he asked.

Jeonghan shrugged his shoulders as a soft hum fell from his lips. “I suppose so…if we’re physically speaking, that is.”

Wonwoo threw him a sympathetic smile, leaning back on the chair. A few minutes of silence fell upon them before Wonwoo spoke again, “hyung?”

“What is it?”

He hesitated for a while, as if contemplating what he’s about to say. "What are we going to do if..." His voice trailed off, not daring to finish that sentence even though they both knew exactly what he meant. 

_...if Soonyoung won't make it?_  
  
It felt like a bucket of ice-cold water has been poured onto him. That was the very same thought he’s been trying to ignore ever since they got to the hospital, but now that it’s been said out loud, Jeonghan didn’t know what to do. “I don’t know.” He said quietly, because really, he had no idea what will happen to them without Soonyoung by their sides. Seventeen wouldn’t be Seventeen without one of them. So what would they be without their performance leader? Without the person who always seems to know when to cheer them up? Without one of the most important person in each of their lives?

"But...but that won't happen, right?" Wonwoo looked at him through tearful eyes, desperation leaking from his words as if to hold onto a single reassurance that no, that will never happen and Soonyoung will be his normal bright and loud self soon, that everything will truly be okay. "He'll be fine, and everything will go back to the way it was before, right?"  
  
Jeonghan felt his heart ache for the younger boy. The worst part was that no matter what he says to him, no matter how many times he reassures him, there's still no guarantee that those promises will really happen. He wanted nothing more than to comfort him, but how could he when he himself is feeling unsure and scared?  
  
So he did that only thing he could do right then. He pulled the other into a tight hug, and almost immediately, Wonwoo buried his face on Jeonghan's chest, crying silently. “It’ll be all right. That won’t happen.”

And he really, really hoped that what he said wasn’t a lie.

…

The seemingly-endless hours of waiting finally came to a halt, and by then most of them in the waiting room was already fast asleep. Jeonghan’s eyes had started to feel heavier a few minutes prior, and it seemed like his efforts to stay awake was becoming less effective. He was about to give in to the sleep his body has been pleading him right then and there, but when he heard the door open and a doctor promptly entered, all traces of fatigue he had faded away instantly. Suddenly feeling nervous, he got up from his seat as everyone did the same.

“Are you all here for Mr. Kwon?” He asked, and Seungcheol nodded. “The surgery was a success. He’ll be all right. However, due to the intensity of the accident, his heart valve has been damaged, and the only option we can take now is a heart transplant. We’ll provide him medicine for treatment, but because of the severity of it, we’ll need a donor as soon as possible.”

Jeonghan gulped. Heart transplant? Donor? There was no way...no way that this is happening. What would happen if a donor never arrives? The answer was right in front of him, but he didn’t want to accept it. He didn’t want to face the fact that Soonyoung could actually…die. His blood ran cold at the mere thought of it.

“He’s already in line for a donor. We just have to wait.” The doctor continued. “Mr. Kwon is resting right now; you can visit him now, but only two people are allowed to enter the room.”

“Thank you,” Seungcheol managed to say, even though from the look on his face he was just as scared as everyone else was. The doctor nodded, offering them a small smile before striding towards the door.

It was after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence that someone finally spoke. "What are we doing to do now?" asks Seungkwan through puffy eyes and trembling lips. He looked like he was about to break at the slightest touch.  
  
"I suppose we just...wait and," he draws in a shaky sigh. "And hope for the best." Tears burned at the corner of Jeonghan's eyes at the realization that they really couldn't do that much despite the fact that one of their friends, _family_ , was literally dying and all they could do was wait. Jeonghan silently wonders if this is what it feels like to helpless. To watch someone you love slip away from your grasp and not being able to do anything about it.  
  
 _How did our lives came to this point?_ Jeonghan finds himself asking _. How did everything take a sudden turn for the worse in just a span of mere hours?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading chapter 2 :D


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not rlly proud of this chapter but i hope you like it anyway even tho it's horrible :p

Soonyoung woke up to the unmistakable sounds of a heart monitor beside him. When he opened his eyes, he was met by the sight of a sleeping Jeonghan beside him, the elder's head resting on his crossed arms. Soonyoung tried to wake him up, but at that moment, pain shot through his entire body, making him wince. It was then that he realized how tired he was - his body felt sore, and his throat felt dry like he hadn't drunk water in weeks.

Now that he thinks about it, he couldn't really remember much about the accident. The only thing he could recall was someone calling his name and then the faint sounds of sirens from a distance right before everything abruptly went black. Everything became a blur after that. He was barely awake during the ambulance ride, and at that time the only thing he could focus on was the uncomfortable pressure on his chest and the amount of blood staining his clothes. He only slightly remembers being scared, wondering if he was going to die there.

Taking a deep breath, he tried again, this time successfully managing to move his hand to try to reach out to Jeonghan. "Hyung," he whispers, his voice unusually hoarse and weak.

Jeonghan stirred in his sleep, looking up through half-lidded eyes. "Hmm...what is-" A small gasp fell from his lips upon seeing who had woken him up. "Soonyoung!" He exclaims, and the younger watched as Jeonghan stood up and went closer to him, a smile present on his face. "How are you feeling?" He asks softly, gently ruffling Soonyoung's hair.

"Tired," he answers, leaning into the other's touch. "Is everyone okay?" 

“Everyone’s okay, don’t worry.” Jeonghan said, offering the younger a reassuring smile.

Soonyoung shifts a bit, trying to sit up. The elder's hand instinctively reached out when he saw the other’s face twist into a grimace. "Hey, hey, be careful." He frowned as Soonyoung shut his eyes tightly, as if to get rid of the sudden pain coursing through his body. "Soonie? What's wrong?"

Soonyoung clutched at Jeonghan's shirt, whimpering. He couldn’t think – everything felt like it was dissolving into a ball of pain that seemed to overcome all his senses and thoughts. He tries to breath. "Should I call a doctor?" He hears another voice in the room, and he only barely recognizes it to be Seungcheol's.

He felt Jeonghan nod, but Soonyoung manages to muster up the strength to say, "no, it's okay." He sucks in a shaky breath. "I'm fine."

Jeonghan looks at him with worried eyes. "You sure?"

He nods, leaning back on the bed. "Yeah." He frowns when he notices the two gazing at him, concern coloring their features. Well, he couldn't really blame them after what just happened, but why did it seem like their expression held something more? Soonyoung couldn't quite tell what it was, but he was pretty sure they were hiding something from him. He shrugs it off. Surely, they'll say whatever that it to him soon enough, right?

He stifles a yawn, lying back down. He didn’t even realize he fell asleep until he wakes up after what felt like a few hours, disoriented. He turns around and finds Seungcheol and Jeonghan sitting on a couch, talking quietly.

Jeonghan looks at him and smiles, "hey, do you feel better?" He asks softly, and Soonyoung only answers with a nod. He definitely felt considerably better. He's still quite tired, but he thinks it's pretty safe to say that most of his strength is back.

Seungcheol stands up, handing him a glass of water which he gratefully took. As he drank, Soonyoung notices through the open curtains that it was well around noon. "What...what are we going to about our comeback? I mean, are we still going to continue with promotions?" He says, setting the cup down on a table besidehim.

The two glances at each other before Seungcheol speaks, a bit hesitant. For some reason Soonyoung suddenly felt scared. He doesn't know anything about the injuries he sustained after what happened, or if he'll be able to perform with his members. Soonyoung felt his heart drop. Will he even be able to perform...considering his condition?

"Soonyoung," Seungcheol starts, and Soonyoung could practically feel how the older was nervous too, almost as if he doesn't want to say what he's about to say. The younger gulps. From the corner of his eye, he saw Jeonghan wearing the same expression. "The accident caused some complications which means you..."

He chuckles lightly, though his smile didn't quite reach his eyes. "How am I supposed to say this to you...?" The more seconds passed by, the more Soonyoung didn't want to listen. "You...you need a donor because a part of your heart has been damaged and the only way to fix it is a heart transplant." The older finishes in one breath, tears now forming in his eyes.

Soonyoung just stared in shock. He knew exactly what Seungcheol meant; he knew clearly what he heard, but he didn't want to accept it. He might...die? Soonyoung almost feels sick just thinking about it.

His mind was blank. Empty. Hollowed-out. He felt like he couldn't breathe, like the room was suddenly too small to hold him in. Soonyoung couldn't think properly, hell, he didn't know what to think. Everything that happened last night led to this, huh?

"Soonyoung-ah, we're so sorry." He turns his head to see the apologetic looks both placed onto his hyungs’ face. Tears were threatening to fall from their eyes, and Soonyoung hated it - he hated seeing the people he loves the most cry because of him.

So he just shakes his head. "It's not your f-fault." And when he heard the tremor in his voice was only then that he realized that he, too, had been crying all along. He hastily wipes at his cheeks, hands shaking.

Suddenly there's two pair of arms holding him, keeping him together from breaking apart right at that moment. “We’re sorry, Soonyoung, we’re so sorry.” Seungcheol repeats, his voice breaking.

And he just shakes his head over and over again against Jeonghan's chest. If it was a response to their apologies or if it was because he didn't want to accept his fate, Soonyoung couldn't really tell anymore. 


	4. Chapter 4

It was about a few days after they were allowed to leave the hospital. By then, news of the accident last week was already spreading like fire all over social media. That was why, when the trio left the building, they were careful not to get seen, and luckily enough for them, they reached their car without being mobbed by people.

Soonyoung breathes out a tired sigh as he plops down onto the seat beside Jeonghan. As they went on their way towards their dorm, he pulls out his phone and opens _Twitter_ , a bit surprised when he saw that _#getwellsoonhoshi_ was trending. He smiles, clicking on it and reading some of the sweet messages their fans had left him. He felt cared for and somewhat reassured that despite what happened, they still love him all the same. But then the thought of dying came back to him, of the possibility of leaving everyone he loves behind, and the smile was immediately wiped off from his face.

He faintly wonders what their fans’ reaction would be if they find out about his condition.

He dozes off for a while, waking up a few minutes later to someone tapping him on the shoulder. He rubs at his eyes sleepily as he meets Jeonghan’s gaze. “We’re here,” the older says, opening the car door. When they entered the dorm, Seungcheol guided him to a couch and Soonyoung immediately curls up underneath a blanket lying there. He sighs contentedly, vaguely hearing the others’ voices coming from the kitchen. A few minutes pass by and Chan walks into the room, holding a bowl of freshly-cooked porridge.

“Here, hyung, you should eat.” Soonyoung sits up and smiles gratefully at him as the younger sets it on the table. Seokmin enters shortly after with a glass of water and soon enough, all twelve members were seated on the living room. Everyone sat there in a comfortable silence, talking every now and then as Soonyoung eats, enjoying their company.

They decide to play a movie soon after, but none of them really watches it, instead, everyone cuddles up next to Soonyoung on the couch. It might seem uncomfortable having twelve people right beside you, but Soonyoung wouldn’t have it any other way. He felt safe there amongst his friends’ embrace.

Soonyoung slept with a smile on his face that night.

…

Soonyoung wakes up the next morning, realizing that the others had already left the room. He gets up from the couch and drags himself to the dining room, rubbing at his eyes. His members were having breakfast, talking about something he couldn't quite catch. Jeonghan notices him standing by the doorway and beckons him to sit down. Soonyoung quietly follows, taking a seat beside the older.

"Here," Mingyu says, handing him a bowl of ramen.

Soonyoung takes it with a smile. "Thanks." He eats for a while, wordlessly enjoying the food. A few minutes of silence passes by before he finally looks up again, feeling eyes on him.

"What?" He swallows, finding his members looking at him with unreadable expressions. And then he smirks, deciding to tease them when no one made a move to answer him. "You guys missed me that much, huh?" He guesses playfully, leaning back on his chair.

"Don't flatter yourself." Jihoon quickly responds, slightly glaring at the older boy.

Soonyoung pouts, crossing his arms. "But you were staring at me, too, weren't you, Jihoonie?" Beside him, Jeonghan chuckles lightly as Seungcheol just smiles and shakes his head.

"Shut up." Jihoon turns away from him, though Soonyoung swears he saw a tint of pink on the other's ears. "And don't call me that."

"But really, it was weird without you here. The dorm was just...quiet." Seokmin says after a while, and everyone nods.

"Really?"

"Really!" Hansol answers. "We were kinda worried so no one really talked too much with anyone...but it's okay! It's not your fault, hey- we're all relieved now that you're here again." He quickly adds when he sees the guilty look on Soonyoung's expression.

Soonyoung glances at his members. _What did they think during the week that I was in the hospital? What did they think when they found out that I needed a heart transplant to live?_ He could only imagine what they felt during that time. His heart dropped at the thought of them being worried sick and scared about him, unable to do anything. He absolutely hates making people sad, especially those who he loves so much.

"We're just glad you're here now." Minghao smiles at him.

"And remember we're always here, okay? I know things aren't easy right now, but we're all here for you, okay?" Jisoo adds, reaching out and squeezing his hand, smiling.

Soonyoung felt his cheeks burn and his eyes water. A lump formed in his throat as the feeling of being safe washed over him again. "Yeah, I know." Jisoo's arm wrapped around his back and Soonyoung immediately buries his head in the other's shoulder. "T- thank you for e-everything. I love you guys." Then there's a comforting hand running down his back and another ruffling his hair, and Soonyoung melts at the touch.

"We love you too, Soonyoung-ah."

They stay like that for a while, just sitting within the silence and Soonyoung letting the tears fall down his face. Moments like these are his favorites - just the thirteen of them with each other. And for Soonyoung, that's more than enough. Because sometimes you don't really need to talk to anyone at all, sometimes all you need is them being there.

That's one of the many reasons why he loves them so much. They always seem to know whether he wants to talk or not.

He pulls away, wiping at his tear-stained cheeks. "Ah, we should be having breakfast, not crying..." he chuckles lightly.

"But you're the only one crying though." Seungkwan points out.

"Not my fault you guys made me cry!"

"Why me? It was Jisoo-hyung!"

"Hey!"

Amidst the chaos, Seungcheol just shakes his head, sighing heavily yet a smile was glued onto his face. "Can't we just eat peacefully please...?"

Soonyoung just smiles sheepishly at the older, reaching for his glass of water. He glances around the table, looking fondly at his members, _his family._

He was home.

  
  
...

  
  
"Jeonghannie!"

The older turns around from where he was sitting on the living room couch, smiling as he sees Soonyoung running to him. Jeonghan opens his arms as Soonyoung tackles him onto the couch, immediately burying his head into the other's chest. Jeonghan chuckles, "what are you doing?"

"Hug me."

"Geez, so clingy." Nonetheless, he still wraps his arms around the younger tightly.

Soonyoung just pouts, pulling away to look at Jeonghan. “Shut up, you love me.”

“And what if I do?’

The younger’s face broke into a smile and he grabs a pillow from the floor to playfully hit Jeonghan with. “Shut up!”

Jeonghan laughs. “You’re so confusing.” He sits up and Soonyoung instantly rests his head on the older's lap.

"Do you need anything? Water?" Jeonghan asks after a few moments, running his hand through the younger's hair, and Soonyoung decided it upon himself that there was nothing more comforting and relaxing than that.

He shakes his head, eyes travelling to meet Jeonghan's. "Just stay here." Jeonghan just smiled and Soonyoung's heart fluttered, feeling warm inside. How can merely looking at someone you love be so reassuring, so comforting that everything will be okay?

"Of course," the other simply replies. "I'm not going anywhere." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why am i actually so bad at ending chapters 
> 
> anyway sorry if this was cringey i tried :P


	5. Chapter 5

Jeonghan looks up from his phone when he hears footsteps coming closer to him. "What's up?" He asks as Seungcheol walks into the room. The latter doesn't respond, just sits down on the couch next to him and sighs lightly.

Even though the older hasn't said anything yet, Jeonghan already had an idea of what he was thinking about. None of them had really shown it around each other, and not around Soonyoung, especially, but Jeonghan knew how the recent events in their lives have affected all of them. He could see it through their actions - the concern in their eyes being masked by their smiles, the way they'd glance worriedly or fondly at Soonyoung when he wasn't looking, and most especially the way they seem to want to be around the dancer all the time.

Jeonghan would be lying if he said he didn't feel that way, too. They had all seen how Soonyoung got hurt right in front of them, how, despite the approaching danger, he still put them first before himself. The least they could do now was to take care of him and be there for him.

He turned to Seungcheol and frowned when he noticed how tired the other appeared. "What's wrong?"

"I think Soonyoung should take a break. From promotions, I mean, so he could fully rest."

Jeonghan nodded, "I think so, too." He replies, but another thought run through his mind at that moment. "But wait," Seungcheol lifts his head up, an eyebrow raised. "What are we going to do about the comeback?" That was another problem that they hadn't really properly addressed. Jeonghan was at a loss of what the best thing they could do about it, and the fact that they have an upcoming performance on a music show only increased his worries.

"Manager-nim said we should continue with it." Jeonghan sucked in a deep breath. He knew that was what Seungcheol was going to say.

"Is that really our only option?" He asked, hoping for the older to say no, even though deep down he knew that was pretty much wishful thinking at this point.

"Either that or Soonyoung will continue to perform with us. That's what he said to me, at least. We obviously can't take the second one, so I think the best thing to do now is to let Soonyoung rest while we continue with promotions."

And suddenly, he wasn't making any sense to Jeonghan. Was he hearing those words correctly? Was he really saying this? "But shouldn't we be with him, especially at a time like this?"

A sigh escapes from Seungcheol's lips. "I know what you mean, Jeonghan, but our options are limited. It's all we can do for now."

Jeonghan opened his mouth, trying to find the right thing to say. There were so much that he wanted to tell Seungcheol, but it seemed like the words were stuck in his throat. He didn't understand what the other was talking about. He didn't understand it at all.

He was vaguely aware of the annoyance slowly building up inside him. "But...can't we _all_ just take a break?"

From the way Seungcheol glanced at him, Jeonghan could tell that the other was getting annoyed as well. "Jeonghan-"

"No, listen to me." He interrupts, unable to stop himself. Seungcheol needed to see, needed to understand that this wasn't a good idea. "Promotions are going to last for a few _months_. Soonyoung's condition might get worse overtime and we're just going to leave him here?"

Seungcheol frowns at him, staring at him in what appeared to be disbelief. "We’re not leaving him, okay? I'm only saying we can't just leave in the middle of a comeback!"

Maybe it was from the way Seungcheol looked at him, or because he raised his voice, or perhaps because the other didn't seem to care at all about what he was saying, but Jeonghan could feel anger boiling at the pit of his stomach. "Is this really what you're prioritizing? Soonyoung needs us the most right now, don't you see? You saw how he reacted when he found out about the transplant and everything. You saw that with your own eyes; you saw how scared he was."

A few seconds of silence passed through the room, and Jeonghan gritted his teeth when the older still didn't reply. "Why can't you just go tell manager-nim that we should all take a break? Wouldn't that be easier for everyone?" He almost shouts. 

"Because it isn’t that simple!"

"Then _I’ll_ go tell him!"

Seungcheol stares incredulously at him. “Did you not hear me? It's not that simple! Millions of people are counting on us right now! And besides, us suddenly leaving without saying a clear reason will probably only create more problems in the future!”

“Is this all that’s important to you?” He whispers, feeling tears build up at the corner of his eyes. From the anger or from what he was hearing, Jeonghan wasn’t sure anymore.

“You’re seriously accusing me of this? I never said he wasn't important to me!”

Jeonghan almost laughs at the irony. “Then why are you acting like it? Why are you so adamant about continuing this comeback?!”

“Are you not listening to me?! It's not that simple-!”

“Are you guys done?” Someone interrupts, and the pair immediately turns their heads towards the source of the voice. Jeonghan’s heart dropped at the sight of Wonwoo glaring at them and at Soonyoung who was standing beside him, tears streaming down his face.

“Soon-” he starts, only to be cut off by Soonyoung himself.

"I’m sorry.” The younger says through the tears falling down his face. The hurt was evident in his voice, and a fresh wave of guilt washed over Jeonghan upon hearing him speak. They stare at each other for a few seconds before Soonyoung turns away, hanging his head as he dashes off to his bedroom.

Immediately, Seungcheol and Jeonghan’s hands reach out for him, but it was already too late. “Soonyoung!” They called out after him.

There’s an uncomfortable, unwanted silence that seemed to stretch out endlessly throughout the room. Jeonghan finds it somewhat ironic how he was so worried about Soonyoung just minutes ago, how determined he was to not leave him, and now here he was, the very same reason that the latter was crying. He felt like a hypocrite more than anything else.

“Are you just going to stand there?” Wonwoo asks unbelievably when the pair doesn’t move. “Talk to him.”

…

When the image of Soonyoung curled up on the floor, knees drawn to his chest and sobs shaking his whole body becomes clear in Jeonghan’s eyes, he honestly didn’t know what to do. He felt guilty, knowing he was the reason behind the younger’s sadness. He kneeled down beside him as Seungcheol turned the lights on, unsure of where to begin. 

“Sorry,” Soonyoung says again, not meeting Jeonghan’s eyes. “I feel like I’m ruining everything, I mean, you and Seungcheol-hyung are arguing and I can’t help thinking it’s all my fault. I know you’re just worried about me, Jeonghan-hyung, but it hurts more when I think about it like that. I feel like I’m causing you guys more problems. I’m sorry.”

Jeonghan just pulls the other into a hug as Seungcheol sits next to him. He cards his hand through Soonyoung's hair when the younger trembles in his arms. He never knew Soonyoung felt that way - none of them did. It wasn't impossible, not really. After all, someone's smile can only hide so much, and Soonyoung clearly wasn't an exception to that.

"You're not ruining anything, and it's certainly not your fault." Seungcheol says softly. The regret was clear in his tone.

Jeonghan nods, "you didn't do anything wrong, Soonyoung-ah." He adds, rubbing circles onto the other's back, hoping that the gesture would at least provide some comfort if his words fail to. "And we're sorry, too."

Hearing Soonyoung say those things only strengthened his resolve to take care of the younger. It was already bad enough that he has an illness to fight, but the fact that he also thinks that about himself made Jeonghan want to just protect him from everything.

Soonyoung sniffles, burying his face closer to Jeonghan's chest as Jeonghan hugs him tighter. They stay like that for a few minutes, trying to comfort the younger as much as they could, whispering gentle reassurances into his ear and brushing the loose strands of his hair out of his face.

"Come on, we should sleep now." Only then did Jeonghan realized how sleep he actually was. _It must be past midnight now._ He thinks, standing up but still holding onto Soonyoung.

Soonyoung tightened his grip on Jeonghan's wrist, making the latter turn around. "Stay here with me? Both of you?" He asks in a small voice, soft and unsure, looking at the two. His hair was a bit ruffled; cheeks tinted a light pink and eyes puffy from all the crying earlier.

Jeonghan chuckles. "Ah, how could we resist you?" Soonyoung's face broke out into a small smile, and Jeonghan's heart feels just a little bit lighter. He pulls him up, and they both lie down on the bed, Soonyoung resting against Jeonghan's chest. The lights were turned off again as Seungcheol joins them, hugging Soonyoung from behind and the latter smiles at the touch, content.

“You know we love you, right?” Jeonghan asks softly, smiling at the other despite the darkness around them. He feels Soonyoung nod against him, and he brushes his fingers through the younger’s cheek, smiling, albeit sadly.

_You deserve everything, Soonyoung._

As he closed his eyes that night, his and Seungcheol’s arms wrapped protectively around Soonyoung, Jeonghan silently reminded himself to shower Soonyoung with every bit of love he could possibly give him. _It’s what he deserves, after all._

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's finally christmas break!! which means i'll be able to write more :D 
> 
> btw, i know this is really late, but did you guys see svt's performance at the fact music awards? the transition from fallin flower to fearless was literally the most amazing thing i've ever seen i swear. also they performed kidult!! and the leader line dance break TT anyway it was really beautiful, if you haven't watched it yet, go watch it right now, seriously. 
> 
> (also i just realized that this chapter is kind of all over the place. oh well.)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this is where everything starts to be more angsty. i'm just saying prepare yourselves because it will get worse...
> 
> also while you're here pls pls pls vote for svt for best male group and best dance performance. here's the link you can vote here everyday: https://www.hallyulife.com/awards/vote/
> 
> thank u <33
> 
> TW // self-hatred

“Guys, come on over here already; we don't have all day, you know!”

The shouting of their leader calling for his members almost seemed to echo throughout the whole place as everyone begrudgingly stands up from their chairs, having just finished lunch a few minutes prior. _A typical day at the Seventeen dorm._ Soonyoung thinks, smiling.  
  
“What are we even going to film anyway?” Chan asks as they made their way towards the living room.  
  
Junhui shrugs, “A Vlive, I think? Well, that's what he told me.”  
  
Before anyone else could answer, Seungcheol beckons them towards the couch where he and Jeonghan was sitting at. The room had obviously been cleaned up, and there's a camera right across the sofa.  
  
“Hyung, what's this for again?” Seungkwan asks, taking a seat.  
  
“To tell everyone what's we'll be doing considering it's comeback season,” Seungcheol says, moving a bit so Soonyoung can sit in between him and Jeonghan. “Which is to have Soonyoung take a break while we continue with everything else. Is that okay with you guys? Don't worry though, I'll make sure we'll still have time to spend with him.” He quickly adds, glancing at Jeonghan.  
  
Mingyu nods, looking around and seeing that everyone else seemed to be agreeing too. “Yeah, that's okay.”

They talked more about it, some of them addressing their concerns, but everything was going along smoothly. After everyone had been completely reassured, they continued on with filming.  
  
“Okay, let's begin then!” Seungcheol said, starting the video.  
  
Soonyoung turns to Jeonghan, frowning. “That’s all right with you, hyung?” He asks, remembering how the older had reacted last night when Seungcheol had said those exact words.  
  
The other smiles, “yeah, we already talked about it earlier and made up. Don't worry about it, Soonie.” He said, reaching up to ruffle Soonyoung's hair lightly. “And it's not your fault, okay? Don't ever think that 'cause it's not true.”  
  
Soonyoung beams at him, grinning. “Okay.”  
  
When they started the Vlive, they greeted everyone, briefly reading some of the comments (which were mostly people sending kind messages to Soonyoung, to which Soonyoung had felt embarrassed about and so everyone kept teasing him about it) right before getting to the topic of the comeback itself.  
  
“Anyway, we actually started this Vlive to tell you guys about our current...situation.” Seungcheol starts, glancing around the room to find that everyone was now wearing serious expressions, a stark contrast to their playfulness earlier. “As you all know what happened a week ago, we've decided to have Soonyoung take a hiatus so he could fully recover.  
  
“We're not sure how long his break will last, but I'll say probably around a few months.” He almost winced at his own words; he didn't like lying at all, but Seungcheol knew that Soonyoung wouldn't be comfortable with the idea of millions of people knowing that there's a possibility of him dying.  
  
“But don't worry, everyone! He'll be fine and will be back eventually.” The words slipped past his tongue seamlessly even though Seungcheol himself didn't quite believe what he just said.  
  
There was a drastic change in the atmosphere around the room; the air had quickly transformed from light and cheerful to awkward and uncomfortable. This was something all of them weren't too keen on talking about, but it was also something that they knew was inevitable; something that they couldn't run away from no matter how hard they try to ignore it: that there might actually come a day when they have to say goodbye to one of their members. For good.  
  
Soonyoung looked down, biting his lip and blinking back tears. That was a lie and they all knew it. There's no guarantee he'll be back soon at all. Hell, there was no guarantee that he'll still be here in a few weeks.  
  
He shook his head, willing the thoughts to go away. _Don't think about this right now, Soonyoung...not in front of the camera._ _  
_  
“Hey,” a soft voice beside him said, and Soonyoung looked up at the sight of Jeonghan gazing at him with worried eyes. The older man discreetly took his hand and squeezed it reassuringly, the warmest smile ever-so present across his features.  
  
Soonyoung gave a small smile in return, feeling like his worries were suddenly ebbing away into oblivion. He felt so loved, so cared for. His members were like a constant reassursnce in his life that no matter what happens, he'll never be alone. Like he'll always have someone to lean on, someone he can cry to and tell all of his worries to at the end of a long, tiring day.  
  
“It's okay,” Jeonghan whispered, and Soonyoung nods, feeling warmth spread all over his heart.  
  
They continued on with the video for a couple more minutes, just reassuring everyone that Soonyoung will be all right (even though they themselves weren't really sure about that, too), and talking about other random things. Finally, after fifteen minutes, they wrapped up the Vlive and sent their goodbyes.  
  
The moment the camera was turned off, Seungcheol faced Soonyoung and looked at the younger with soft eyes. “Everything will be okay.”  
  
“I know,” Soonyoung replies undoubtedly, because even if things does end up not being okay, at least he had his friends there by his side with every step of the way.  
  
...  
  
Everything felt cold.  
  
Water drips down his arms when he pulls his hand out of the bathtub, all cold and uncomfortable as a shaky sigh leaves his mouth. There's a faint sound of indistinct chatter coming from the other room where his members were at.  
  
He clutched at his chest, right where his heart was - the thing that's keeping him alive yet also the very same thing that's slowly killing him.  
 _  
You're broken._  
  
Nobody wants something that's broken. And that is exactly what Soonyoung couldn't understand. Despite everything that's happened to him, his friends stayed with him. They continued to take care of him, always making sure that he was okay, always making him feel better. Even though they could be doing other things, they chose to be with him, never leaving his side no matter what.  
  
It wasn't that he didn't appreciate everything they've been doing for him. Of course not. Having an illness that could potentially kill him one day was terrifying to merely think about, but having other people with him definitely comforted him.  
  
But still...  
  
He couldn't help the unmistakable feeling of guilt snaking its way to his heart.  
  
He curls his fingers into his hand, nails digging into the soft flesh. An overwhelming wave of regret washed over him, almost unbearable that his chest suddenly felt heavy like something was being pushed onto it. He felt bad for having to put his friends through all this trouble. Their schedules are already filled because of their comeback, and now they also have to stay here and take care of him when they could be resting.  
  
 _A burden, that's what you are._  
  
And Soonyoung couldn't find a reason to disagree.  
  
Maybe everything would've been different if the accident never happened. Or if maybe he had just been a little bit quicker. Maybe then, his friends wouldn't have to be so burdened about taking care of him everyday.  
  
There was a sudden knock on the door that immediately pulled him out of his thoughts. “Hyung, are you almost done? Dinner's ready!” The clear, gentle voice of Seokmin echoed through the bathroom walls.  
  
Soonyoung swallowed the lump in his throat, blinking back tears. “Y-yeah, I'll be right there!”  
  
“Okay! We'll wait for you.”  
  
Soonyoung got out of the bathtub shortly after, quickly dressing himself before stopping in front of the mirror.  
  
 _What am I even thinking?_  
  
Sighing, he finally steps outside with a heart feeling like it's been immersed in ice-cold water and a forced smile on his lips as he makes his way to the dining room. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's chapter 7, everyone ^^ also happy belated birthday to joshua!! did you guys see his vlive last night? i love him sm <33
> 
> TW // panic attack, self-hatred

Rays of sunlight seeped in through the windows, and Soonyoung had to turn away when it hit him right in the face. Still half-asleep, he hid under the blankets, about to close his eyes when he became aware of the silence around the dorm.  
  
_Oh, right._  
  
The memories of earlier's events suddenly came back to him. Seungcheol had awoken him up an hour prior to tell him that they'll be leaving today for an interview and other promotions. He had almost protested right then and there when the older had finished speaking. He hadn't liked the idea of spending the whole day all by himself, since, honestly, over these past few weeks, he was used to them being here all the time. And honestly, he had to admit that it really was comforting to have his friends here by his side. On the other hand, however, Soonyoung didn't want to trouble them and be burdened to cancel a schedule just to take care of his whiny, clingy self.  
  
He practically _craved_ for his members' affection, but at the same time he didn't want to be a burden. Maybe he was being too selfish. Yeah, that's probably it. Perhaps he should just leave them alone and let them focus on promotions instead of always asking them to be with him.  
  
"How do they even put up with me...?" He mumbles, throwing an arm across his eyes. He remembers all the times he would suddenly come up to one of them, and how they would immediately stop whatever they're doing just to cuddle with him, or hug him, or to just talk to him. His heart dropped and the suffocating feeling of guilt took over his senses again.  
  
And suddenly, there's a tightening feeling in his chest as unhelpful thoughts began to race through his head. The thing is, as irrational as those thoughts may be, it surely wasn't easy to ignore. He just couldn't help thinking and _thinking_ and reading too much into every _what if_ that his mind had to offer him. That maybe, he really was getting in the way of their schedules, of their everyday life. That maybe, he was becoming a burden after all.  
  
And Soonyoung knew he had no one to blame but himself.  
  
_Damn it, why am I even thinking about this?_  
  
He throws his blanket off, grabbing his phone and opening their groupchat when he saw that someone had messaged something.  
  
  
**Jeonghan**  
@Soonyoung are you awake yet? Breakfast's on the dining table  
_Sent 8:41AM_  
  
**Soonyoung**  
Okay ^^  
_Sent 9:16AM_  
  
  
He stops for a moment, fingers hovering over the keyboard.  
  
  
**Soonyoung**  
When are you guys coming home? |  
  
When are you guys |  
  
Wh |  
  
  
_Stop bothering them._  
  
Soonyoung sighs, opting to just go on Weverse for a while since he knew there was no way he'd be able to go back to sleep now. As per usual, there were a few CARATs asking if he's all right, or how he's doing. It lifts his mood a little, and Soonyoung replies to a couple of the posts for a few minutes before continuing to scroll through the page.  
  
One particular post, however, caught his attention and Soonyoung came to a pause, eyebrows furrowing.  
  
  
_I feel bad for SVT honestly. They worked so hard for this comeback but because of that accident everything's ruined. They won't be able to perform as a whole and it's all because of Soonyoung. Don't you feel bad for them? Don't you feel like a burden? Everyone's working so hard and what about you? Anyway, I'm sure you're okay now, right? I don't even understand why you need to take a break; from what I see, you're fine. You don't deserve them at all._  
  
  
Soonyoung just stared at the screen with unblinking eyes, unable to comprehend what he just read. For a moment, he didn't quite believe it. He told himself that this wasn't real, that it was all just in his imagination. There was no way someone had actually said that. No.  
  
But the words were right there, displayed right before him, looking at him so innocently like it wasn't aware of the effect it put on Soonyoung, of the hurt that it brought to him. It was almost funny, honestly, how those letters and words stacked up together could hurt so much more than any injury he's ever had before. It was like a stab in the chest, damaging his already broken heart even more, tearing itself apart piece by piece until it was just empty space.  
  
The tears come running down his face before he even had a chance to stop it. Soonyoung didn't even realize he had been crying until he felt the wetness on his cheeks. He was vaguely aware of the shaking of his hands as he desperately tried to push oxygen into his lungs.  
  
Sobs shook his entire body as he tried to hold himself together, hugging himself as tightly as could just to make sure he wouldn't break, he wouldn't fall apart. The room was getting smaller and smaller, and Soonyoung felt trapped, like the walls were going to close in on him, suffocating and crushing him. The overwhelming fear and hurt made it seem as though there were something pressed down on his chest, making him unable to breath.  
  
What scared him the most was if the person was right. Because the more he read it, the more it made sense to Soonyoung. Everything he's been thinking about since yesterday suddenly made sense. He thought he was the only one who thinks that way, but now that one of their CARATs said that, Soonyoung realized that he had been right all along: he really is a burden to everyone.  
  
This comeback was supposed to be a memorable one - both to them and their fans - but because of him, that won't happen any time soon.  
  
His members could be resting after a busy schedule, but they have to take care of him instead.  
  
Everything was ruined.  
  
And it was all because of him.  
  
It seemed like hours that he just lay there, tears continuously streaming down his face as he tried to calm down, as he repeatedly told himself to stop crying, because what that person said was true, after all. When he finally did manage to calm down, he felt completely worn out, the previous anxiety and terror now turning into fatigue. He took a deep breath and just stared at his phone for a couple more minutes before scrolling down further into the post and surprisingly finding that there were over twenty comments defending him from what the other person said. Soonyoung would've smiled if it wasn't for the fact that what they said was actually the truth.  
  
  
_Wow you're really blaming Soonyoung for that accident? Do you think he wanted that to happen? And it wasn't like he could control it._  
  
_You're the one who doesn't deserve svt. Leave Soonyoung alone and get out of their Weverse._  
  
_As if Soonyoung didn't work hard for this comeback too?? And what's all this talk about him being a burden? Where'd you even get that from? Svt will hit you if they ever see this._  
  
  
He had almost replied right then and there that _no, they were right, it's okay_ , but he stopped himself before he could type out the words.  
  
Because what would his members think if they find out he sees himself like that? He didn't want to trouble them with his self-loathing when he's already taken so much of their time. It was Soonyoung's problem, after all. They don't need to know about it. They _won't_ know about it.  
  
Soonyoung will make sure of that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway this hurt so much to write bye (ily soonyoung i'm so sorry T-T)


	8. Chapter 8

When everyone got back to the dorm at around five in the afternoon, Soonyoung reminded himself to keep a steady, convincing smile on his face and to act like nothing happened. It was his problem after all, wasn't it? Nobody has to know.  
  
 _Actually,_ Soonyoung stops, _it isn't even a problem in the first place. I'm probably just overreacting._  
  
What that one person said was the truth, isn't it? Soonyoung had no right to be upset about it. They were only speaking his thoughts out loud, confirming everything he's been thinking about for the past couple of days. A sort of twisted validation, if you could put it like that.  
  
Soonyoung opened the door and was immediately met by the sight of his members' tired faces. He quietly led them in, unsure of what to do.  
  
"We bought dinner," Wonwoo says, taking off his jacket and placing it on the couch. "We'll just get changed and then we can eat."  
  
"Okay." Soonyoung said in a small voice, nodding.  
  
As the others made their way upstairs, Soonyoung proceeded to go to the dining room, preparing their food. The words he had read earlier were still floating around in his mind, taunting him.  
  
 _You don't deserve them at all._  
  
 _Don't you feel bad for them?_  
  
 _Everything's ruined._  
  
 ** _And it's all because of you._**  
  
He shook his head to get rid of the thoughts, sitting down as his hands trembled.  
  
 _Calm down_. He told himself firmly as the footsteps of his friends got closer.  
  
If Soonyoung's being honest, even he didn't know why he was so scared of the others finding out about this.  
  
...  
  
When Soonyoung woke up the following day, he immediately knew that today wouldn't be any good. For starters, his head felt heavy the moment he opened his eyes and it was throbbing with a dull ache despite lying completely still. He felt tremendously tired even though he had slept for over nine hours now, and to top it off with that, everyone else was already wide awake and present in the dorm, which Soonyoung wouldn't usually mind, but now it'd definitely be harder to hide this fever - or whatever it was - from all of them.  
  
He felt guilty for even thinking that, since a well-deserved rest was what all of them needed after everything that's happened and all the schedules, too. Soonyoung knew how hard everyone's been working, how, despite the fact that one of their friends could die any moment, they still manage to put up a smile for their fans and pretend like nothing ever even happened. It only strengthed his resolve to not bother them anymore and get out of their way since they already have so much on their mind.  
  
Soonyoung was simply beginning to not care about himself anymore. And for a moment, he thinks that he probably shouldn't be doing this.  
  
But then again, that's all that it was, wasn't it?  
  
A moment.  
  
And the second it left his train of thought, Soonyoung just didn't bother dwelling on it anymore. Besides, it wasn't like he was actually neglecting himself, anyway. Soonyoung didn't want his condition to worsen, after all. He was just...being considerate to his members, if you could say it like that. When promotions are over, he promises himself that he'll stop this, or whatever this is that's he doing. Distancing himself from his members to give them time for themselves? Yeah, that's it. That's all that it is.  
  
It was absolutely nothing more than that.  
  
Or maybe that's what he _wanted_ himself to think. Soonyoung didn't really know anymore.  
  
A knock on the door snapped him out of his thoughts, and it was only then that Soonyoung realized he still hadn't gotten out of bed yet. The others were probably waiting for him for breakfast.  
  
"Soonyoung-ah?" The door creaked open, revealing the figure of Junhui looking at him. Soonyoung sat up, biting his lip as the ache in his head only grew worse, his body obviously not happy with the sudden movements. "Breakfast's ready."  
  
Soonyoung managed a small smile. "Yeah, I'll be there in a bit." Junhui nodded, returning the gesture before turning away and leaving the room.  
  
Soonyoung let out a shaky breath, fixing his gaze onto the floor as he ran a hand through his hair. He sat there for a few seconds, the faint, muffled voices of his friends from downstairs filling his ears, and for a short while a sense of normality washed over him. For a moment, it was like everything was okay, that the accident never happened at all, that this was just a normal day at their dorm and that later on, they'll go to the dance studio to rehearse for a performance.  
  
But Soonyoung knew how impossible that scenario was in their current situation.  
  
With a sigh, he gets up and heads to where the others were.  
  
He sat down next to Jisoo when he reaches the room, trying to blink away the last bits of sleepiness he had left and hoping for his headache to go away soon. Maybe he could just rest later, and hopefully he'll feel better afterwards. He sighs. _Hopefully._  
  
"Hey, are you okay?" Jisoo asks him as the others were busy talking.  
  
Soonyoung nodded, wincing slightly when the movement made his head ache even more. "Just sleepy." He says, deciding that was good enough for now. Well, it wasn't a complete lie.  
  
Jisoo looked like he didn't believe Soonyoung at all, but didn't say anything. He offers a small smile. "Remember when I told you we're always here for you? That hasn't changed at all, Soon. You can always come to any of us if you need someone to talk to, okay?"  
  
Soonyoung bit his lip. That was exactly the problem. He'll just be waste of time listening to his stupid problems when they could be doing other important things. Nonetheless, he still smiled. "I know, hyung."  
  
He remembers when Jisoo had said the same thing to him a few days ago, when he had just been discharged from the hospital. It was almost the exact same scenario, except this time his reaction had drastically changed. It's crazy how a stranger's words could change someone's entire mindset.  
  
"Good," Jisoo replies before frowning again, looking at Soonyoung with worried eyes. "But are you sure you're okay? You look tired."  
  
Is he really that obvious? "I'm fine."  
  
He wasn't.  
  
But it wasn't like he'd let them know that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi :D 
> 
> sorry for not updating for a whole week, life happened plus school's starting again so i didn't have the time nor motivation to write :(
> 
> on the other hand, i've finished planning out the entire story so i just have to write it ^^
> 
> as always, thank you for reading!! <33


	9. Chapter 9

Keeping his promise to himself, Soonyoung went off to bed to rest the moment breakfast was finished.  
  
But contrary to his hopes of feeling better after taking a nap, he felt even worse when he woke up. He threw off his blanket from his body, feeling warm, and tried to focus his gaze on the ceiling but the dizziness and the pounding of his head certainly made that impossible. He turned to his side, curling in on himself and taking in slow, deep breaths.  
  
Anything to make the agony go away, anything to distract him from the waves of pain coursing through his body.  
  
Tears burned at the corner of his eyes and he bit back a whimper, burying his face onto the pillow. He decided to sleep once more, but Soonyoung froze when the door suddenly clicked open.  
  
He stayed completely still, opting to just pretend to be asleep, but before he could even close his eyes, there was a hand on his shoulder, shaking him. The touch was gentle, but the movement only made Soonyoung feel worse. It was like his brain was being shaken and beaten at the same time within his skull, eliciting a whimper from the dancer.  
  
"Soonyoung?" Wonwoo's voice was soft and laced with worry and Soonyoung could only curl in on himself even more, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Hey. Hey, what's wrong?"  
  
But before he could even respond, there's a hand on his shoulder and suddenly he is being lifted up into a sitting position. Soonyoung cringes at how his head throbbed, and he shut his eyes for a moment, willing for the pain to go away.  
  
"Hey, look at me." Soonyoung managed to avert his gaze upwards, meeting a concerned face, and his heart aches with something like guilt.  
  
A wave of dizziness washed over him, and Soonyoung groans softly, finding myself firmly clutching at Wonwoo's shirt as he bit his lip, trying to keep quiet even though the tears continued to flow down his cheeks.  
  
Wonwoo's lifting up his chin, fingers brushing across Soonyoung's warm skin. "Talk to me, hey- what's wrong? What hurts?"  
  
He swallows thickly, his eyes growing heavy. He furrows his brows as black spots formed around his surroundings. "Everything..." he mumbles.  
  
"Soonyoung?" Wonwoo's voice felt far away, despite the younger being inches away from him. "Hey, hey-" He's shifting Soonyoung a little, but Soonyoung doesn't the strength to move.  
  
"Hyung! Seungcheol-hyung!"  
  
Why was Wonwoo shouting? Soonyoung didn't have a sense of what was going on anymore. The world around him was dissolving into a blur of colors. He felt weak and wanted nothing more than to just close his eyes.  
  
There were familiar voices all around him; they sounded panicked and Soonyoung wondered why. He feels himself slump against Wonwoo's chest, and was vaguely aware of the strong hands around him right before the voices in his ears quieted down and everything around him turned into nothing but darkness.  
  
...

"Is he okay?"  
  
"What happened?"  
  
Soonyoung fluttered his eyes open, hearing voices all around him. He groaned softly, turning away from the window as he tried to sit up. He felt significantly better, but he knew he was still far from recovered. There was still a dull ache at the back of his head, and it felt like he'd been drained of energy.  
  
He suddenly froze, only now realizing that he wasn't alone after all. What happened? Soonyoung scanned the room and found everyone there with him, talking to each other.  
  
"Why didn't he..." Seungcheol trailed off, his eyes meeting Soonyoung's. "Soonyoung!"  
  
Almost instantly, everyone's heads snapped up to where he was, and suddenly Soonyoung didn't know what to do.  
  
"Are you feeling better?" Wonwoo asked him with worried eyes. Soonyoung hated making them worry. If he had just kept sleeping...he wouldn't have had to bother them with this.  
  
"Yes," he replied.  
  
Wonwoo smiled at him sadly, reaching out to brush the older's hair out of his face. "Why didn't you say anything to us?" He asks softly, looking into Soonyoung's eyes as if to search for an answer.  
  
Soonyoung looked away. "I-" _I didn't want to burden you._ "I'm sorry." The words fell from his mouth as a whisper, voice laced with unshed tears.  
  
He hated seeing the guilty looks on his friends' faces more than anything. He hated it even more because he knew he was the reason behind it.  
  
Jihoon stepped toward him, a frown on his lips. "What're you sorry for? It's not your fault you got sick, you know."  
  
Soonyoung's heart clenched. He doesn't deserve any of them.  
  
"Don't cry, Soonie." What?  
  
 _Oh._  
  
He was crying. Right in front of everyone. Soonyoung didn't even realize it until Jeonghan's hand was on his cheek, gently wiping the dancer's tears away.  
  
Jeonghan was gazing at him with the warmest smile, eyes holding something akin to sadness. And damn it, how could Soonyoung not feel bad even more? They've done nothing but take care of him ever since the accident; they always have, even before that, always looking after him and loving him unconditionally in their own ways.  
  
And yet here he is, burdening them and disappointing them and ruining everything. Soonyoung dug his nails into his hand, refusing to look at any of them. He stared at his blanket, sighing softly. What was there to love about him, anyway? He's nothing but a problem to them, only thinking about himself all the time.  
  
"Soonyoung-ah." A hand lifted his chin up, but Soonyoung still didn't look at the older. He couldn't bear to see the worry and sadness in Jeonghan's eyes, especially when he knew he was the one who had caused it. "What's wrong?"  
  
The uncomfortable silence hung in the air, and everyone just stayed there, silently watching with concerned expressions. Soonyoung hated it. The way they all looked at him was surely a whole lot different than the way people looked at him on stage.  
  
He gulped, speaking in a voice that barely reached a whisper. "Nothing."  
  
And everyone knew it was lie.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ^-^


	10. Chapter 10

The silence of the room was almost suffocating. Soonyoung fiddled with his fingers, looking anywhere but his members. He couldn't do it. He couldn't bear to see the worry in their eyes. His cheeks were warm, from the fever or from the embarrassment or both he couldn't tell. All he wanted at that moment was to hide under his blanket and hoped that everyone would leave.  
  
But instead, he just stayed still, not knowing what to do.  
  
"Soonyoung."  
  
He didn't have to look up to know it was Seungcheol. The elder's voice sounded worried - tired, even - and Soonyoung's heart twisted with guilt.  
  
It felt like everything was falling apart. The initial plan of not letting anyone know about this was crumbling into pieces right before his eyes, and Soonyoung knew it wouldn't be long before his secrets would be revealed. He just wasn't ready yet.  
  
At least, that's what he told himself. That's what he made himself believe, because in reality the reason was the fear of judgement, of being perceived as weak. Soonyoung didn't want his members to see him like that when he's already so broken.  
  
"Is something bothering you? You can always talk to us, you know."  
  
Maybe that was all he really needed - reassurances from his friends. But the fear was too much at that point that Soonyoung couldn't even at least face them.  
  
He managed to lift his head with all the courage he could muster. Seungcheol was smiling at him, albeit sadly, but it was comforting nonetheless, in a way.  
  
When his eyes met the other's gazes on him, he didn't see worry in their expressions. It was something much more comforting than that, something that made him feel protected and cared for more than anything else - love.  
  
...  
  
There's a strange comfort being in Jeonghan's arms, like taking a sip of coffee on a winter day, or walking home after a long day. It's nice, almost like being held close by the elder will protect him from anything.  
  
Shortly after the events earlier, the others left the room, but Jeonghan didn't follow them. Instead, he insisted on staying with Soonyoung. And despite the younger's pleads, the elder eventually convinced Soonyoung that he would stay.  
  
It's drizzling outside, and Soonyoung thinks that it's somewhat calming, just watching the raindrops fall from the warmth of his blanket and from Jeonghan's embrace.  
  
He breathes out slowly, leaning into the other's touch as Jeonghan gently strokes his hair. Sleep was welcoming with open arms, but somewhere between the losing battle of trying to stay awake, everything suddenly crashed down on him. It felt like a slap in the face, and Soonyoung didn't even realize what was happening until he was suddenly speakings.  
  
"Hyung," he whispers before he had a chance to stop himself. Jeonghan hums, signaling him to continue.  
  
Soonyoung hesitates for a moment, hearing nothing but the pounding of his own heart. Jeonghan doesn't do anything, doesn't say anything, just quietly waits for him to speak.  
  
"I just-" A deep breath. "Do you think I'm a burden?"  
  
It's strangely relieving, in a way, like the weight on his chest has finally been lifted up, like he can breathe again. But he knows it's far from over. No, in fact, this is just a beginning, and what if Jeonghan thinks negatively of him? What if he thinks Soonyoung is weak, being so affected by something someone said on the internet?  
  
Jeonghan immediately pulls away, and Soonyoung's heart sank. And then he looks Soonyoung right in the eye with something like confusion and worry. "What? Of course not. Where did that come from?"  
  
The dancer bit his bottom lip, chewing on it. He looked anywhere but at Jeonghan. "It's just- someone said..." he mumbles in the quiet, scared voice.  
  
"Who?" Jeonghan sits up, bringing Soonyoung along with him. Soonyoung just stared at his lap, too embarrassed to face his hyung but the elder held him by the shoulders and gently lifted his chin up.  
  
Jeonghan's eyebrows were knitted in concern, and his eyes held something akin to anger. "Soonyoung, who told you that?"  
  
Soonyoung swallowed, feeling small under Jeonghan’s gaze. "I- it's nothing, hyung. I'm just being sensitive..."  
  
"No, you're not, Soonyoung." Jeonghan says firmly, holding the younger's hand. "You're allowed to feel whatever you feel. And no, Soonyoung, you are not and will never be a burden to us, okay?"  
  
"But what if they're right, hyung?" Soonyoung blurts out in a shaky voice, teary eyes looking up at Jeonghan in desperation. "W-what if I am? What if...what if I really am disappointing all of you?"  
  
"Soonyoung..."  
  
"I ruined everything, didn't I? All of this is my fault, hyung!" He almost shouts, voice breaking. Tears were streaming down his face. "I'm sorry for worrying all of you all the time, sorry for taking up so m-much of your time, sorry for everything."  
  
Jeonghan's looking at him with an unreadable expression and for a moment they just stayed like that. There's a few seconds of silence before Jeonghan pulls him into a hug, and Soonyoung goes limp against the elder's chest, letting himself be held as he broke, as he cried uncontrollably.  
  
"None of this is your fault, okay?" Jeonghan's voice was shaky, like he was holding back tears. "It was an accident; none of us knew it would happen. You're not a burden, Soonyoung, and you never will be. I love you so much, we all love you so much. You're not taking up any of our time and you surely did not ruin anything. We take care of you because we love you, Soonyoung, and taking care of you will never be a bother to us. Never."  
  
Soonyoung just cries harder, sobs shaking his entire body as Jeonghan's words register in his mind. He buries his head into the other's chest, clutching at Jeonghan's shirt as if his life depended on it.  
  
Jeonghan continues to give him reassurances, repeating it over and over until the younger finally believes him, but all that Soonyoung could feel at that moment was Jeonghan's arms wrapped around him and his comforting touch as he runs his hand through the dancer's hair.  
  
The feeling of being safe washed over him again as he continued to cry and sob. It was a bittersweet moment between the two.  
  
Somewhere along all of that, hope erupts in Soonyoung's heart that maybe it will all be okay. Maybe everything will be back to normal soon. It was a far-fetched wish, but he knew it wasn't impossible to be able to get a donor soon enough. Maybe everything will be fine, after all.  
  
Maybe it will, maybe it won't be, but nonetheless Soonyoung thinks he'd rather be in Jeonghan's arms more than anywhere else in the world at that moment.  
  
Because here, he's safe forever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading <3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (i am so sorry in advance for this chapter, my sense of humor is so dry 🙃🙃)
> 
> anyway here's chapter 11, everyone!! sorry it took quite long, i had a lot of schoolworks last week. actually i was supposed to post this on carat day but i really didn't know how to end the chapter so yeah...

“You guys really don’t have to…”

Soonyoung stares helplessly from the doorway, watching in slight amusement his members who were all scrambling around the living room, some placing an immense amount of food on the coffee table, the others talking (read: arguing) about which movie to watch, and the rest putting a heap of pillows on the couch. He’s told them countless of times already that this wasn’t necessary, but Seokmin insisted that they should, going on about how it was vital for all of them to spend the entire day watching movies while cuddling Soonyoung shortly after Jeonghan told everyone about the conversation they’d had last night.

Okay, so maybe he _did_ like this idea, but it wasn’t like he’d ever admit that to them. It’s just that he knows he’ll end up crying or something and he really doesn’t want to embarrass himself in front of everyone after everything that happened yesterday. Unfortunately for him, however, (or maybe fortunately, actually) his members are already setting everything up and Soonyoung doesn’t want their efforts to go to waste, especially after seeing how keen they are about this, and how determined they all seem to be to make him feel better.

The thought makes him feel all warm inside, and despite how embarrassing all of this is, a smile brings its way to his lips.

“Nope.” Junhui replies, putting down a bowl of ice cream. “I think that we really have to do this, Soonie. It’s a necessity.”

Seungcheol hums in agreement as he turns the television on. “It is.”

“Not you, too, hyung…” Soonyoung mutters under his breath.

Jeonghan claps his hand, grinning, as he moves backward a bit to take a look at their living room, which now looks even cozier with the stacks of pillow on the couch, the various food on the table, and the sun seeping through from the open curtains. “Come on over here, Soonyoung.” He beckons the younger toward him.

Soonyoung hesitates for a moment, before sighing softly and walking over to the others. He sits down on the couch, and almost immediately, everyone sits down next to him as Wonwoo plays the movie. It’s quite uncomfortable, having twelve people hugging you at the same time, but Soonyoung finds that he doesn’t mind this one bit because after all, these are the same people who mean the most to him, who’s always looking out for him, who’s willing to do anything just to make him feel better. He smiles, leaning into their touch as he sighs contentedly. 

“What? You crying already?” Someone says, and suddenly the room is filled with laughter. As a blush rises up his face, Soonyoung turns around, and he’s met with the sight of Seungkwan looking at him with a cheeky grin. He’s at a loss for words, opting to just glare at the younger rather than accidentally embarrass himself even more.

“I’m not,” he pouts, grabbing a pillow and hugging it close to his chest. “Stop it.”

This was exactly what he was dreading, and it hasn’t even been ten minutes. A quiet sigh leaves his mouth. _Why did I agree to this? Oh, right, they forced me to._

From the corner of his eye, Soonyoung catches Jeonghan looking at him with the fondest smile on his lips and Soonyoung wanted nothing more than to just disappear right then and there. He’s pretty sure he’s a blushing mess right now judging from the warmness of his face.

“You’re too cute, Soonyoung,” says Jeonghan, cheeks resting on his hand as he gazes at Soonyoung lovingly.

“Leave me alone,” he whines, although his pleads fell on deaf ears.

Jeonghan just looks at him blankly, furrowing his eyebrows and trying to hide a smile. “What do you mean?” He asks innocently, as if it wasn’t obvious enough what they were doing, as if they weren’t purposely teasing Soonyoung.

He continues to stare at the younger, waiting for a response and attempting to not suddenly burst into laughter as everyone watches the scene with grins on their faces. Soonyoung just glares at him.

…

Eventually, it was decided upon the group that their current position – all huddled up on one couch – was too uncomfortable, so everyone apart from Soonyoung and Jeonghan got up from the sofa, but still not too far away from the two. Jeonghan was propped up against the couch, with Soonyoung lying down and resting his head on the elder’s lap.

It didn’t take long for Soonyoung to notice that no one was really paying attention to the movie playing in front of them. Even as their gazes were fixed on the television, Soonyoung didn’t miss the way everyone would constantly offer him some of the food on the table, the light, comforting touches on his skin, the way their eyes would be on him when they thought he wasn’t looking, and the reassurances they’d continuously tell him all throughout the movie.

It’s those little gestures that matters the most to him, how even in the silence, they continue to make him feel better, make him feel… _loved._

The thought brings a surge of excitement flowing through his veins and butterflies at the pit of his stomach. It makes him feel giddy, a smile never leaving his lips as his heart bursts with warmth, spreading to his chest until it reaches his fingertips. Love is like being able to breath easily, like walking through flower fields – it’s beautiful, gentle, and most of all comforting as it brings with it a sense of safety.

And somewhere in between it all, the momentary bliss quickly turned into sadness and insecurities and everything that was dull.

It came by without a warning like a storm, the sudden emptiness washing away the warmness in his heart and replacing it with a cold, hollow feeling. He sniffles lightly, but even that was enough to alert everyone else. Almost instantly, their heads turn to him. The concern in their eyes is evident as the movie is now completely ignored, their attention all on Soonyoung.

Soonyoung sits up, and he can feel everyone's eyes on him. Even without looking at them directly, he could almost see the worry painting their expressions.

“Why do you care so much about me?” He says in a breathless whisper before anyone else could speak, voice small and scared. He looks up at them with teary eyes and quivering lips, "why do all of you love me so much? I'm nothing."

“You're not nothing, Soonyoung.” Junhui shuffles towards him and gently wipes the tears forming at his eyes as he gazes at the younger with a sad smile. “You're everything. You're everything to us.”

Soonyoung's lips trembled at what he hears as he tries not to cry. Damn it. This was supposed to be a carefree day. Why did he have to ruin everything?

"Hey, look at me,” someone says, and suddenly there's a hand on his shoulders, steadying him. Soonyoung's eyes travelled upwards, meeting Jihoon's concerned ones. “Listen to me, Soonyoung. None of what that person said was true, okay? You're not a disappointment nor a burden to us, okay? You're aren't and you never will be. We love you so much, Soonyoung, I can promise you that, and we'll always be here with you until the end.”

Jihoon's voice got softer as he finished speaking, and by now Soonyoung was completely crying as he took in the words that the younger told him. The warmth was slowly resurfacing, filling in the hollowness of his heart.

“I-I'm sorry...I'm sorry,” he chokes out.

Jihoon steps out of the way so Chan could go nearer to Soonyoung. He immediately pulled the older into a hug, fingers treading through Soonyoung's hair. “You don't have to apologize, hyung. You didn't do anything wrong.”

And they stayed like that for what seemed like hours, the tears seeming to never stop just as everyone doesn’t stop whispering words of comfort in his ears and giving out reassurances in between the sobs shaking his entire body.

As he takes in the worried faces of his members gazing at him, Soonyoung faintly wonders how many times he’s already cried in front of them. It’s somewhat comforting, in a way, that even though they’ve seen him at his worst, they continued to love him all the same.

“We love you,” Jeonghan says softly, holding the younger’s hand in his. “So much.” It’s simple, but even with those few words, Soonyoung can feel the sincerity in his voice. It’s simple, but it’s all he needs right now, all he needs to give a small, genuine smile in return.

“I love you, too. “

Everyone just smiles back at him, and even with that small gesture, Soonyoung feels loved more than anything in that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!! stream silent boarding gate guys <33


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